I get a call from my driving instructor. My class begins two hours early today. I’m on my bed. Scrolling down YT. Watching videos on ‘driving straight’. And was about to anxiously give up on it when I get the call. My mind begins to race and slowly and steadily I know my anxiety is kicking in. I can hear its arrival. The way it swirls around my belly and holds my saliva, thick, in the tip of my tongue.
The next thing I know, I am grabbing my jacket and sanitising my hands and tucking my mask.
My face is calm, my hands in the pockets of my jacket. I’m waiting for the car. I see this guy, in the driver’s seat. Tall and better looking. Is he looking at me? I see him looking at me through the rear mirror. Is his anxiety working up too? He’s fair (or is it fairer that I say) and his mask covers his face well. I see him driving, edgy. The beginner’s ease. He seems to be good. It’s was a comfortable ride. Good. How long has he been training for? He stops at the next red light.
Next, it’s my turn. I have to take it from the red light. I’m careful of the eyes that look at me from behind. I’m compelled to be wary of them. It’s almost time to be green. I’m hurrying. My legs are going crazy. I’m turning the indicator to left and taking the turn to the right. And today, was my worst driving session. I just couldn’t concentrate.
The thing is my anxiety betrays my everyday. It betrays my ability to simply be. It takes away the opportunity to be in the moment or even be a part of it.
Unlike yesterday, when I took enough time before my training session to actively work on my anxiety, I had none today. For the past two days, my ritual involved listening to a podcast by Morra Aarons Mele over and over again until the lines Anxiety is much more likely to cause people to focus on the wrong thing than overdo the right things spread like a wildfire within me. It bought me comfort and the ability to see my anxiety little clearly. It gave me words to visualise my enemy. I had strong coffee and took a chewing gum to chew on my anxiety. My prep served me well. At least for the little time on the road.
But nothing today.
4/Jan/2021
