It’s 12 degrees cold here and the sky is a darker blue. There’s few people outside and the markets are empty. I woke up late. The cold is keeping me in. I feel it on my hands.
I’m trying to keep myself from thinking about the driving learning session slated for the latter part of the day. Which is not to say that I didn’t think about it. Because I not only did, I also managed to dream about it. To halt the accelerated pace with which I continue to think, I demand a break. I knew in the minutes I set off for the day, my anxiety would start ticking. I need to bring it to a halt. It is to my mom I say, get up, we are going to the mall. It’s that strange part of the month when pantry begins to stray. The extra packets of oil suddenly go empty. There’s enough salt, you think, but there’s hardly any. I get up and without eating get going. In the mall I’m busy. Back home, I’m tired. I forgot to go to the ATM. So, I climb down the stairs again. This time, I’m exhausted.
At home, I’m on my sister’s bed. Seeing her study and talking. In my head, I imagine myself in the car, my anxiety riding me. My back aches. So, I get myself straight and lay still. Within minutes, I’m drifting into a sleep.
My head is light on waking. It’s 4.10 pm and my class begins at 5. I’m warm. I take a few deep breaths. Put my feet on the cold floor. And started walking around the house. The cold soothes me. In this moment. At 4.30, I’m getting ready. I bring the kettle to a boil, and pour myself a cup of dark coffee. I sip it as I think about something, my fear? I don’t recall. I change and I’m ready. My sis tells me to take a few minutes before I start the car. I know coffee helps with my anxiety and I keep some chewing gums with me to help me inside the car. I’m lighter today as I walk, the unbearable anxiety loosening it’s grip from over me. I’m lighter and this feels better. Once inside, I take a moment to adjust, tie my belt, see and ignite.
Today, I am less agitated and more focussed. Coffee and chewing gum would be my companion for some more time. I’m aware of those eyes behind me but this time I’m taking a chill. After the sessions, I get down to a park and take a round, visit a family and pass through the market. The world is less painful today. And the cold is bearable.
7/Jan/2021
